Yesterday was a fantastic day. Not in the way that most would consider great. Old wounds torn open; emotions I haven’t experienced in a while came roaring to the surface. Now I have the opportunity to look at them from an intentional happiness perspective and learn and grow from them…not be embroiled in the fear that they bring.
“Be prepared. You will lose your boys.” While I believe the intention of those words was to help me to prepare myself for the CHANCE that someday the boys would want to live full time with their dad, what they did was start a gripping fear in my mind that it WOULD definitely happen someday. The words were spoken to me 10 years ago when I was in counseling to help me through my divorce.
“The majority of your thoughts which
bring forth fearful emotion have no valid basis.”
– Abraham-Hicks
As I know now, having those negative thoughts rolling around in your mind will only bring more of those sorts of negative thoughts. And in the end, it will come to pass.
A year ago, my oldest son decided to do just that. He went to live with his dad full time. By this time, I was working with Patty and she helped me through it in a positive way. Some people might see this as a horrendous situation. I was able to find peace with how things happened. My son seems a lot happier with the new living arrangement. Our household has a lot less friction. I have seen my middle son bloom into a more joyful and loving boy without the influence of his older brother always over his head.
In the year that has passed, I’ve been able to see it as something that had to happen. Not something to fear.
My middle son and I have a special bond. We’re a lot alike and he reminds me of my Dad in a lot of ways. While I don’t think he’ll make the same decision his brother did and decide to live with his dad full time, the fear of it has remained inside me. And out of that fear, whether I realized it or not, many of my parenting decisions have been made. He’s a good kid. Seems to understand how the world works and doesn’t go pushing boundaries much.
Other than getting too rough with his seven year old little sister sometimes, he doesn’t do a lot that would warrant discipline. However he is 13, and is still learning the ropes about life. Untested waters lie ahead as he hits puberty and begins the quest for independence.
“Your fear is the indication that you’re
clinging to something that the Source within
you does not cling to.”
– Abraham-Hicks
Yesterday, we were at a family birthday party. Tons of little kids running around. My 13 year old was one of the few older ones in the group. I didn’t see it happen – I’m really not sure any of the adults did. A dozen kids jumping around on the trampoline. One of the younger kids pulled my boy’s hair. His reaction was to shove her away. Knocking her down and leading to tears.
She is 4. He is 13. There should be no gray area here. He had no business shoving her. But I went into full blown mama bear mode defending him. Not proud of that moment, but it happened. Discussing with my husband later and reflecting on this incident and others that have occurred over the years, many of my actions have boiled down to this fear of losing my boys.
This burden that I have been carrying around with me needs to be turned around. I started first thing this morning. My morning meditation included new words to turn the fear into joy for what is to come. I am so grateful for this learning experience and the opportunity to let this fear go.
No matter what, I want all of my children to be happy. I will be at peace with whatever decision any of them make and find the joy in all that they pursue.
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